Friendships: Can They Last A Lifetime?

The old sayings go, “friendships can last a lifetime” or “ If a friendship lasts longer than 7 years, it will last a lifetime” and Caroline Russell brings up a great point in her article. Quality not Quantity. The harsh reality is most of the friendships we make throughout our lives have an expiration date. For me personally, this was something that took 21 years to learn and come to terms with.

As a little kid (and even now) my mom always called me a social butterfly. I was constantly getting in trouble for talking in class but hey I was just trying to make more friends! I wanted everyone to be my BFF and when I mean BFF I mean best. friend. FOREVER.

The younger me never followed the path everyone else was on (I’d like to think this hasn't changed). I never wanted to be friends with people who were like me, I always wanted to be friends with people who were opposite of me. As I aged, that faded away quickly. I soon ended up being friends with people I was extremely similar with. This backs Wright and Patterson (2006) research in regards to friendships: “individuals may tend to be attracted to friends who are similar in terms of attitudes and background, regardless of whether the person is a long-term friend or a friend at a certain point in one’s life.”

As my college years come to a close *sheds one single tear*, I have realized my dad was right. Yes dad this is the only time I’ll admit it so soak it in!!! He always told me if you can count on one hand (that would be 5 for those of you who stink at math like me) people who you can truly count on and who are your best friends then you are golden. Friendships change as you get older and Julie Beck does a great job of explaining it in her article!

This has honestly been one of the most difficult concepts for me to grasp and understand. I'm the type of person who will do anything for the people I let into my life so when things go south it hits me hard. That is why I have decided to write 5 tips for how to better communicate with your friends and how to determine if you should let the friendship go!

TIP 1: How are you communicating?

• Obviously this is an odd concept to think about but when you really sit back and examine your communication habits it put things in a different frame of light.

A question to ask yourself is: how often do we text talk on the phone or facetime? According to Sheer (2011) and her research, “the total number of close friends related only to messaging, that showed a greater correlation with communication control than did rich features. Messaging, primarily text-based, on the other hand, reportedly provided MSN-using teenagers opportunities to exchange deep thoughts and, thus, contributed to the growth of close friendships”

TIP 2: Are your feelings and needs being validated, understood and met?

• Being self aware is a HUGE key when communicating with friends. In order to have a successful conversation it is incredibly important to know yourself.

Skeen (2016) in her research regarded to Communication Skills for Teens says, “When you want to convey an important message, it’s a good idea to mentally rehearse a few times to get the facts and your thoughts, feelings, and needs straight in your mind. Separate the facts you know to be true from your thoughts, opinions, or theories. Get in touch with your emotions and find a way to express them clearly and honestly. Also come up with a non-threatening way to express your needs”

TIP 3: Think about the costs and benefits of your friendship.

• Are you giving a lot of time and energy to your friend? And Are you getting the same in return?

This is something to really think about and be honest with yourself. An article written by Lillian Noble talks about 5 signs on when you should end a friendships that are very helpful.

TIP 4: Understand that people grow apart and it is not your fault.

• There are so many different life events and situations that people deal with differently which can cause friendships to grow apart.

According to Patterson (2007) there is a “life events-based approach to friendship change...this influences the nature of relationships, attention should be focused on them. It is likely that these events lead to the development of new schema and are forces that produce change in friendships over the lifespan.”

TIP 5: Allow yourself to be sad.

• I know this sounds super weird but you need to give yourself time to grieve. ESPECIALLY if this was someone you have been friends with for a very long time. Cherie Burbach has tips and tricks in her article How to Survive a Friendship Breakup.

Just like relationships sometimes friendships can be toxic. Put yourself first. It can be incredibly difficult because you may feel selfish (I know I kind of did) but once you remove yourself from the situation a weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Sharon Livingston talks about 8 Signs of a Toxic Friendship in her Ted Talk!

Life's too short to be surrounded by people who don’t give you 100% if you are giving them 100% . Surround yourself with people who are your ULTIMATE cheerleaders and hypegirls!!

XOXO

Eli